Frozen: A Movie That NO ONE should ever watch

Sitting in my apartment with Selda and Sarah on the eve of our ski trip, we thought it would be a great idea to watch movies about skiing. Perusing netflix on my apple TV we found, Frozen, a horror movie about a ski trip. What a stroke of luck! It wasn't. It was a descent into horror and 93 minutes of my life that I will never get back.

Was it horrifying because it made me think of all the things that could go wrong while skiing? Nope. It doesn't make me scared to ski. Everything that happens to these morons in this movie is their own damn fault and has nothing to do with the fact that they were skiing. These three idiots(Emma Bell, Shawn Ashmore-ironically, he plays Iceman in the X-men movies, and Kevin Zegers, Damian on Gossip Girl. He probably would have been better off staying on the UES).

These three jackasses bribed the ski life operator into letting them ride without paying for three lift tickets. It doesn't really explain why they are trying to pull off this particular con. They spend most of the day on the bunny slope because Emma Bell is not a very good skier, but Iceman needs one "real run" before the mountain closes. It is night time. Pitch black with no lighting on the mountain as far as the viewer can tell but they want to go back up for one last run. The shady lift operator tells them it's closed because of a storm that is rolling in. A STORM IS ROLLING IN YOU IDIOTS! They continue to argue with him for just one more run down. It is the dead of night and there is basically no one on the mountain. Do you really need to go on one more run? Previously, Iceman mentioned that he came up to the mountain every weekend. If you come up to the God damn mountain every weekend, why do you need to go on one more run? I'm sorry Emma Bell is not a good skier so you had to spend the day on the bunny trail. That is not an excuse for stupidity. WAIT TILL NEXT WEEKEND!

But they get on the lift. About three different employees cycle into running the lift. None of them are paying attention. None of them are keeping track of the people that went up to the mountain. It doesn't give me a whole lot of faith in the people who operate ski lifts. At the same time I'm not dumb enough to try to get up there one last time in the dead of night. It's dark. It's cold. Go home and watch the latest episode of The Vampire Diaries. The night would have been so much better. What happens next? You guessed it....they turn the ski lift off because with all the turn over in the span of 5 minutes, no one realizes these kids are up there. They get scared. Of course. They think the shut down is a mistake. It isn't. As panic sets in and they realize they are not going anywhere, Emma Bell decides that she needs a cigarette. Yup...a cigarette on the ski lift. She takes off her glove, and drops it. Great idea. Gossip Girl dude decides that someone has to jump down. Being the big man that he is, he decides it's going to be him. Guess what? He breaks his legs. Not only does he break his legs but the bones are sticking out. Soon are greeted with a whole slew of new characters...a pack of wolves. I didn't see that twist coming. Poor gossip girl guy wasn't going to be returning to the upper east side because the pack of wolves ate him as his best friend and girlfriend watched.

The movie then ranges from completely and utterly boring to disgusting. Emma Bell wets her pants, gets her hand frozen on the ski lift(she manages to rip it off in a scene that I had to cover my ears and yell so as not to have to live the horror). We are forced to endure Emma Bell and Iceman talking about how bad it felt when his girlfriend from freshmen year was making fun of him in the cafeteria or something. I guess when faced with your own mortality you want to talk about weird things. I could not believe that this movie was still going on. I was only still watching it because I had to see how it would end. I mean, really? Where is this movie going? Is it turning into a romance with these two trapped up on the ski lift? Nothing says romance like watching your respective boyfriend and roommate get eaten by a pack of wolves. I figured with how stupid these characters are that they would go down this route. Thankfully, they did not.

The bonding had to end sometime so Iceman decided that he was going to try to climb to another car on the ski lift. Quick note, this is the second time that he has tried this. We learned that no one thought that he could do it because he couldn't even do a pull up. Fascinating tid bit. He cut up his hands the first time, and had to go back to the car with Emma Bell, but after hours on the lift he decided that he needed to try it again. He made it to the next car on the lift and cut up his hands some more. Also, there were screws lose on the ski lift. With the geniuses they seem to have working there, this didn't surprise me. Of course, the wolves needed some more screen time so while getting to the second car the pack returned and watched Iceman dangle from above. After some rest, Iceman decided it was time to climb to the next car(the final destination being one of the poles holding everything up that had a ladder he could climb to the ground on.....to the waiting pack of wolves). He made it to the ladder, and had the prerequisite slip and catch myself on the next leg of the ladder. He goes back to climbing down without even a glance towards the wolves. Once he reaches the ground, the wolves pounce. Trying to use a ski pole as a weapon, he got a nice chomp in his arm from one of the wolves. The pack circles but he fends them off with the ski pole. But wait...as he gets on his snowboard to slide down the mountain, the wolves are in hot pursuit leaving Emma Bell to wait there all by her lonesome and hope that Iceman is not eaten alive by the wolves. Day turns into ANOTHER NIGHT which turns into ANOTHER DAY and this movie refuses to end. Iceman has not returned and Emma Bell is somehow still alive with her one glove. Now it's time for real despair and to get another look at the screw about to fall out of the ski lift.

WHY WON'T THIS MOVIE END?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Emma Bell decides to start thinking about jumping from the lift. I just don't care, but I can't stop watching. She gingerly stands up and the screw falls off, the lift falls halfway. She makes her first smart decision and jumps before the car completely falls. She makes it to he ground, the car falls on her leg leaving her unable to walk. She decides to slide down the hill on her stomach. I guess as I am watching her slide down the hill I am supposed to feel uplifted by her ingenuity. I'm not. Soon she comes upon Iceman's corpse which has been eaten by the wolves. Guess who else is back???? The wolf pack but because they are too focused on eating Iceman's corpse they don't even notice her. She continues down the mountain on her stomach, attempting to stand every now and again. I hate this movie.

Never watch this move. Emma Bell does make it to a road. A road that seems to be a major highway. She then crawls to the middle of said major highway and puts her head down. Seriously? You couldn't have done that on the side of the road? Lucky for her a car stops and she is rescued. The end of this complete piece of garbage.